Loss Abroad.

Studying abroad can be a wonderful opportunity to learn about yourself autonomously from your parents and loved ones. Through challenges and unfamiliar situations comes knowledge but these struggles may be uncomfortable or even painful at times and this is when I miss my family the most. Back in America I would always show up at my parents house in search of comfort and cuddles to make the hard times easier. Even in my 20's my fathers hugs would be a source of strength and my mothers a source of forgiveness when I had none left to give myself. With more than 5000 miles between us FaceTime is the closest we can get to a hug and sometime it doesn't quite hit the mark, especially during times of loss.

My best friend Randy died from a brain tumor a bit more than a year ago and in November was his birthday and anniversary of death within the same week. Finding the right words to describe the emotions and pain I had durning that period of time is extremely difficult but I can assure you that it was extremely difficult, particularly his birthday. I tried to FaceTime my parents but it wasn't comforting enough plus I started to feel guilty because I knew when they saw me so sad from such a distance they helplessly knew they couldn't offer me the physical comfort a parent is meant to provide their child. Thankfully my roommate Sara could help both my parents and I through this hard time by providing heaps of emotional support and even by baking a birthday cake for Randy to help celebrate his life instead of just mourn it.

Another loss I have experienced away from my parents happened yesterday and I am still in the processing stage. A couple days ago my mother told me about the 180 degree turn of my cat Ashes' health.  Brought home the summer of 99' she is over 20  and I cannot remember a time in my life when she wasn't there. Yesterday morning my dad and  I talked about the sad situation and later I was present with my mom via FaceTime as the vet put her to sleep in order to avoid any future suffering. I am pushing back tears as I am writing this and can honestly say I want nothing more at this moment then to be held by my mom and have her tell that everything is going to be alright. I want to spend this evening watching a movie with my head on my dad's shoulder and periodically steal his popcorn. But I can't.

Before I left for Europe I planned ahead for missing my parents around Christmas time or if I had a  hard time making friends or if I got a really bad flu but I never planned needing their support while coping with death. I know it hurts my parents just as much as it hurts me that they are unable to totally comfort me and for this reason I have questioned whether it was the right decision to come here. After taking a step back and looking at this beautiful life full of friendships, culture, knowledge, and love I know that I am where I am supposed to be. There are a few things that have helped me cope with loss in a distant land. Before you set out on your new adventure, make your goodbyes long and meaningful. No matter how excited you may be, please, do not rush them.  Another thing is to find someone you can be close to. Most students embarking on such an adventure hope to form friendships right away but if it takes a while to create a solid one don't hesitate to take advantage of the university counselors which are often times free. Talking to someone can always be helpful and it is beneficial to have a deep connection solidified in case a loss or other hardship takes place. It is also helpful to remind yourself that all emotions and events are transient. Like the sun will take the place of the clouds; your sadness will eventually be replaced by a less painful emotion. This mantra can apply to situations at varying degrees of difficulty. Try to keep yourself busy. Be sure to allow yourself enough time to grieve at first but as I write this blog, do my homework, color a picture or go for a walk I am getting my mind off of something too difficult to constantly dwell on. The most important thing to remember during hard times is that the situation is not your fault no matter what happens. Self blame and regrets do nothing to change the past; only add to the pain and suffering you experience.  Change your inner dialogue to one of support and forgive yourself for things you wish you would have done differently.

This blog post may have been a bit uncomfortable to read and maybe provoke some scary thoughts but I hope it didn't deter you from wanting to go on an exchange or obtain a foreign degree. Instead I hope my personal experiences may help prepare you for hard times if they hit and hopefully make you feel less alone during them as well.

"Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it."
-C. JoyBell C.

Randy's Fundraiser

Randy's Birthday Cake

Randy and I in high school

Helping me pack for Hungary.

Ashes' last breaths.